Assertive Communication - refusing a request

 Assertive Communication

Refusing a request

“The intent of assertive behaviour is to communicate honestly and directly. The intent of aggressive behaviour is to dominate, to get your own way at the expense of others. The intent of non-assertive behaviour is to avoid conflict altogether, which usually means that you have to subordinate your wishes to those of others.” (p. iii)

(Bloom, Coburn & Pearlman, 1975)

Michel and Fursland (2008, M6) listed six different ways of saying no assertively. The first technique they proposed is the direct no which implies just saying no without apologising. 

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’

‘No, thank you.’

The reflecting/empathetic no involves acknowledging the other person’s feelings and afterwards adding a brief assertive refusal at the end. For example: 

‘I know you want to talk to me about organizing the annual department review, but I can't do lunch today”. Or

 ‘I know you’re looking forward to a walk this afternoon, but I can’t come.’

The reasoned no technique constitutes in offering a brief and genuine reason for refusing a request; in this situation it is very important to be honest and brief:

‘I can't have lunch with you because I have a report to finish by tomorrow.’

‘Thank you, but I am not really a big sports fan.’

The raincheck no allows people to say no for the moment, while also keeping the possibility of saying ‘yes’ sometime in the future. One has to suggest the exact time he or she is available to grant the request. This technique only works if the person really wants to meet the request:

‘I can't have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next week”.

The enquiring no is similar to the ‘raincheck’ technique, but this time the person refusing the request does not have to suggest a different moment to meet it and only to ask if there is another way it could be met:

‘Is there any other time you’d like to go?’

The broken record no technique can be used when one does not want to give any arguments for his / her refusal. It is very useful especially when dealing with persistent requests such as those of salespersons and it constitutes in repeating a phrase or statement of refusal over and over again. Huczynski (2004) gives the following example for the broken record technique:

CALLER: ‘Are you satisfied with the quality of your existing windows?’

YOU: ‘Maybe, but I’m not interested in buying double glazing.’

CALLER: ‘Are you interested in saving on heating bills?’

YOU: ‘Maybe, but I’m not interested in buying double glazing.’

CALLER: ‘Do you want to increase the value of your property?’

YOU: ‘Maybe, but I’m not interested in buying double glazing.’ (p. 225)

Bibliography:

Huczynski, A. (2004). Influencing Within Organizations, (2nd Ed.), New York: Routledge.

Michel F. & Fursland A. (2008) How to say “No” assertively (Module 6) in Assert yourself. Centre for Clinical Interventions, Retrieved February 26, 2014 from http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%206.pdf   

Bloom, L. Z., Coburn, K. & Perlman, J., (1975). The new assertive woman, New York: Delacorte Press.

Can you cover me next Friday evening?

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Do you want to sing in the karaoke tonight?

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Would you accompany me to the meeting tomorrow? I have a very important decision to make. I really need your support. 

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Would you have dinner with me next week?

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Do you want to play golf with me next Saturday?

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Are you happy with your mobile network provider?

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Would you like to save money on international calls?

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Are you interested in getting more data on your mobile?

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